Let’s Talk: Sleeping With A Married Person 

If you have questions about relationships this article provides questions and answer that may help you out.  This particular issue discusses premarital sex and dating after a marital separation.

A:
If you are having a sexual relationship with someone you are not married to, asking God for forgiveness is a good first step in acknowledging the fact that you are indulging in sinful behavior. First John 1:9 clearly states: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." So there is no question that forgiveness is available.

In addition to confessing to God, however, there are several subsequent steps (outlined below) that you may want to consider in order to put this matter completely behind you:

o Tell (not consult with) the person you are sleeping with that you have decided to discontinue the behavior.

o Apologize to the individual you are sleeping with for contributing to his or her alienation from God.

o Recognize the natural cause-and-effect consequences of engaging in a sexual relationship outside of marriage. To that effect, Proverbs 6:27, 28 states: "Can fire be carried in the bosom without burning one's clothes? Or can one walk on hot coals without scorching the feet?" (NSRV).*

o Follow the counsel of 1 Corinthians 6:18: "Flee from sexual immorality [the Greek word for sexual immorality in this verse is porneian, or fornication]." "Every sin that a person commits is outside his body, but the fornicator sins against the body itself" (NRSV). To be sure, this verse suggests that you do exactly what Joseph did when seduced by Potiphar's wife (Genesis 39:1-12): run in the opposite direction as quickly as you can.

o Consciously recommit your life and habits to the Lord. In the words of Romans 6:12 and 13: "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness."

A:
Our answer assumes that by marital separation you mean divorce, because individuals who are not divorced, despite being separated, should not be dating other people. After all, if one is not divorced, one is still married. And if one is still married, it is not morally proper to be dating other people.

Now that we are clear about what we are answering, we suggest that it takes at least two to three years to work through the readjustments of divorce before one is ready to consider remarriage. In fact, the period of recovery following a divorce is approximately three to five years. You will find our response pretty consistent with what is recommended by many other family professionals.

There are several questions one should seriously ask before complicating one's life with a new relationship. Among the questions you should ask yourself are: 1. How did I relate to my past spouse? 2. What was positive and what was negative about the way we related to each other? 3. What have I learned about myself since my divorce? 4. How can I change the destructive patterns in my former relationship, which will inevitably arise in my next relationship unless I am intentional about identifying the behaviors and dealing with them? 5. Have I attempted to rebuild my life since my divorce, and am I emotionally over my first marriage? 6. How much time should I give to my former spouse and his or her relatives since ongoing communication is necessary because of finances, children, business partnerships, and in-laws? Such questions should be identified and dealt with properly, preferably through professional counseling, so that both your new spouse and you will know what to expect from your former relational ties, which may include biological children or stepchildren, for instance.

When it comes to intimate relationships, and this is true for a first marriage and especially a second marriage, a good rule of thumb is to move slowly and carefully. Above all else, seek God's guidance through prayer.

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