God Joins

What God Joins Together
by W. S. Lee, Jr., M.Div, and Wilma S. Kirk-Lee, L.M.S.W.-A.C.P.

Marriage is a sacred bond that two people must be fully prepared to enter. There are many principles that come with a good marriage. This article provides many ideas a couple should consider when contemplating marriage.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain" (Psalm 127:1). The words seem so simple. However, in reality they are difficult to begin and complete. In the first glow of new love there is not a thing that two people will not do to make the other person happy and comfortable. They want to spend every moment together, and their "beloved" is perfect. For some, reality comes earlier than others-the challenge of dealing with a mortal who has both assets and liabilities is the starting point for building a relationship that can stand the test of time.

There is no standard recipe for building a marriage that will last, just some principles that should be considered as people, whether young or old, seek a life mate. The primary quality to look for is the person's relationship with the Lord. It is not a matter of quoting Scripture or how often they attend church or how much time they allot to church activities. The questions to be considered are: What is their lifestyle like? Is the Bible the base from which they live? Is their relationship with the Lord one that speaks of comfort and growth, or is it one of drudgery? People must have a relationship with the Lord that is their own, and they bring that with them when they seek to join their lives with each other. A close relationship with the Lord is a nonnegotiable qualification for anyone seeking a mate. It is absolutely essential to a lifelong marriage. God also helps to guide us during the search for that special someone.

Another quality necessary for a lifetime marriage is shared history and background. When you marry, you marry the individual. It is true, however, that you also marry their family and where they came from. It is beneficial to have some common bonds to start the relationship. The agreement that the Scriptures speak of in Amos 3:3 applies to more than just a religious life. The ability to talk about books that you both enjoy or to attend a concert or to enjoy outdoor activities together helps to build ties that strengthen the relationship. Our relationship began as we attended church activities together and discovered a common love for music and reading.

A sense of humor is an important factor in a relationship that will stand the test of time. Life is truly serious, but most of us take ourselves too seriously. There is not enough laughter and joy in our hearts and homes. A lifetime is built on memories. Memories must have their share of laughter and humor. If everything is a crisis or is weighty, then the life and light dies in the relationship. So learn how to laugh together.

Time, time, and more time will always be integral to marriages that stand the test of time. It is easy to get caught up in the demands of life and family and take for granted the presence of the person to whom you have committed your life. The intention that was made during courtship and the early stages of the relationship must be present to make certain that nothing interferes with the time spent as a couple. This means that when children become a part of the family, they must understand that they are not always a part of the activities of the parents. It won't be easy. Yet nothing in life worth having is ever easy! One of the special times in our marriage was the wonderful gift our children gave us when they helped us to be able to go away for a New Year's Eve celebration. They were early adolescents, but they appreciated our marriage even then.

A willingness to be flexible is a principle that helps to build a marriage for life. In this life it's important to realize that no one gets what they want all of the time. That kind of thinking happens when people are children, but as they mature into adulthood they realize that if they share a life, they will have to be willing to negotiate sometime. Often two people come with completely different opinions, and when they sit down and communicate, they find that there is a solution that neither one had dreamed of as a single individual. Flexibility allows each person not to be so blinded and selfish that they want only their own way.

Another of the important factors in preparing for marriage is premarriage education. This too is absolutely essential premarital work. Couples spend thousands of dollars on a wedding without laying the proper groundwork for a marriage! Before even setting a date, couples should be looking for a clergyperson who requires premarriage education as prerequisite for performing the marriage ceremony. The time spent in looking at how two lives will truly become one and talking through issues that may not be surfacing in the glow of love will be the best investment that any couple can make for their marriage.

It does not make a difference how old or young the couple is, premarriage education should be mandatory. We've heard it said that when a couple enters a second marriage, they do not need premarriage education. It would appear that they are more in need of premarriage education than a first time marrying couple.

Too often couples that choose to be involved with only each other fail to see how quickly there is physical and sexual bonding. They cannot stop the development into physical intimacy, which soon progresses to consummation and fulfillment of all the special sexual rights and rites of marriage before the marriage relationship is affirmed, negotiated, or celebrated. There should be management and awareness of that developing relationship by the couple. One way to protect their future union is to seek the guidance of a trained and qualified Christian marriage counseling professional who will understand how to unfold all areas of relationship development to the couple. This helps them lay a foundation for building a strong, God-centered marriage.

A proper respect for families is important in developing a lifelong marriage. Often the families from which a couple come forget the biblical admonition "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). It is important that the couple realize they are establishing their own family now and therefore must erect a sacred circle around their marriage. The only person allowed inside that circle with the husband and wife is God.

One of the important facets of marriage-building that is often overlooked is the affirmation of the community of family, friends, and faith relationships. It is self-defeating to expect that any marriage can be strong and long lasting without the inclusion of these relational communities. Every effort should be made, through awareness of the traditions and rites of the mutual communities of each couple, to leave no one untouched. The couple should request the support, approval, and participation in the marriage preparation, ceremony, and support following the nuptials. These communities should accept the responsibility of providing all that is needed to create the spiritual and emotional support environment for the growth of both individuals in the marriage.

One of the indicators that a couple is ready for marriage is their ability to establish a home of their own. It does not have to be large or elaborate, but it does have to be theirs. Getting married and living with either set of parents is an indicator that a couple possibly is not ready to get married.

The ability to be two independent people who are choosing to be interdependent is a hallmark of being prepared for marriage. Too often people come to a marriage expecting the other person to fill all their needs and make them what they should be. Two whole people should plan to join their lives together, and be prepared to stand on their own if need be. We write not as experts, but as two people who have seen the journey be joyful and full through the years that we have been joined together. We know that the Lord has been a part of our relationship; we could not have come this far together if He weren't the head of this marriage. We've shared our tears and disagreements, but the joys and laughter have far outweighed the tears. We're still growing and enjoying the trip.